Mothers Day

Went to the water on Mothers Day

I worked a night shift last night and it's screwed me up today. I was supposed to be at work now, 7pm-11pm but I called in sick for it, for lack of sleep. I missed a party the other night, to sleep too. Parties are illegal right now anyway but I do regret that. It was at that guy with the Dom energy's house. He told me to get over there. I didnt listen. And an AMAZING DJ was there. I feel like an idiot. And today with the stress eating, a fat idiot. I just need more alone time.

Speakeasy, Bunny Love

My favourite DJ, (Bunny) had a Speakeasy and there's NO WAY I can describe how much fun I had.

It was the first time Marcus and I had gone out as friends, in a setting we have been known as a couple for the past 10 years. We still danced together a little but yeah as friends, it was nice. Yassin and Jazmin came too, even though it was invite only and only Marcus and I were invited. I got Bunny's permission for the others. Actually we are not just friends, we are family. Yassin and Jazmin too. He moved in last February and since then, she is here more often than not.

Soooo many good DJs, it was fab. I LOVE the house music scene, so fucking good. Saw some old friends, and some not so old - people I met (even had sex with!) at Amanda's last December. I made new friends too. One was a friend's ex bf of 6 years. (A, she moved away). If I met him before, it was only to be introduced and then forgotten. But he is well known in that crowd, very. I think he has like Big Dom Energy and my interest is piqued. He's probably like ten years older than me. He lives in my city and I can tell he likes me. He invited me over this week. So according to our house rules I should get permission to go out again because I went out yesterday (more on that in a minute). I told him this, but also that I didn't feel like asking permission rn, and I could get the day off Friday and go there instead without asking because that's not taking extra time away from my family, I would have been at work anyway. He told me to just ask because Marcus and Jazmin were there themselves the other day. I thought maybe he would think I'm a sneaky liar if I don't just be straight up. And I'm not really a sneaky liar, like really not, so I don't want him to think that. When Marcus introduced me to A all those years ago, he told me "She's a total lesbian, but has a sugar daddy," referring to him. And I was like wtf, u mean she's bisexual? And he was like "nope, huge lesbian." So I thought maybe she's like a hustler type. Which maybe she was a liiiittle bit, tho not really, I think she was just a fun-loving, party girl. Bunny said she was bisexual, she loved dick and he wasn't a sugar daddy, he was straight up her bf, and that she loves him too and goes to his place to spin sometimes, cause he has his own decks. Maybe A just never showed any interest in Marcus in that way so he thought: lesbian lol.

This night was super fun and JUST what we all needed. Everyone is getting straight up depressed from lockdowns and restrictions with no end in sight, for real. Being kept from those experiences is legit ruining lives and livelihoods.

Mental health is essential. Human connection is a human need and a human right.

Things have been so bitter lately, that this was extra sweet.

It was supposed to go until 4 or 5 am. It went way past that. At like 9am or so, on the dancefloor, while her bf was spinning, Bunny told me, "Kathleen, you look really pretty and I really wanna fuck you" and not being like so NOW to say, "Right here? Right now?" I just said, "ooh likewise." We kept dancing and like 20 minutes later she asked me if I wanted to go make out in the bathroom. I said yes and we made our way over there. They were both occupied. There were couches in front, but two guys were there. So we went down an empty hallway and started making out there. There wasn't much else we could do, without any bed or couch, standing up. She is very similar to me. And lacking a comfy place to lay down/ relax, Idk how to be so aggressive with women. Also we were both wearing pants. We went back the way we came and she said all the doors that were closed, used to be open- she got a cord from one earlier. She opened the door. It was an office with a big, L-shaped desk and a black chair on wheels. I told her to sit in the chair and get comfy but she wouldn't. I told her I wish we had a bed, I feel strange for us to not be able to relax and she said "in this situation, that's what you find strange?" (We've known each other like 10 years) "yeah!" I said. So we just kept kissing. Then her bf T showed up. He's cute, I've always liked him too, he's 3 years younger than us. He asked if he could come in, asked what we were doing. She looked at me and asked if it was ok for him to come in and I said Sure. He looked very happy, if somewhat shy. She told him we were just talking, about the weather, and I told him I had been saying too bad there's no bed to get comfy in. He said well, carpeted floor isn't so bad. I thought, ...yeah. He said we could get some coats, I giggled. Then I can't remember how we all got started, but we fucked in that office, on the floor, in like 3 different positions for like 15 minutes. But we kept getting interrupted. People kept knocking, for Bunny, telling her to come cut the cake and other irrelevant stuff. She would just yell "busy!" But it kept happening. While we were both on our knees, her bf behind me, she said this was the hottest 3some she was in, which I loved to hear, and even tho the setup was kindof awkward, I agreed it was super hot! When we stood up and she was about to sit on the edge of the desk, someone knocked again. She asked if the music was still going, they said no, and that ended it. When we were getting dressed, he said to me "that's all you," while pointing out a dark patch on the floor with his foot, that was like 1.5 square feet. She told T he was lucky, not to expect so much juice with everyone who joins them. She said juice box and I said hey that's my cat's name lol

When we left the office, there were like 5 people around the door. Marcus said I was noisy, but I know I was not that noisy. Maybe we shouldn't have been fucking right by the door haha. I was super happy, and so was Bunny and so was T. They hugged me goodbye and said we should continue on later. I left with my family.

(Jazmin right after we walked outside)

I had to work later. I explained to them over text my dating arrangement. So last night for my night out I went to see them. I picked them up at their place and they paid for a room at the fanciest hotel. We shared salads before getting buzzed and had a fucking sweet time until winding down to sleep around 4 am. It was a good thing we got 2 beds, one for playing, one for sleeping. T laid down first, then Bunny and I joined him, with me in the middle, my head at their chest level, super cozy. Bunny said "I love you kids," and T said "yeah, love you," and as I thought, "did she just say she loves me?" T said "it's all good." And it was, very.

About half an hour before we all crashed together in the dry bed, Bunny climbed on top of me in the sex one and was asking about why I wanted a Master. I said something to her about being told I'm a good girl and she said "I love good girls. I'll be your Master," (she was just being lovely, not proposing to actually Dom me). Then she said "Good Girl" sort of slow and drawn out-like, deliberate, and laid her head down on my abdomen and fell asleep on me.

Bunny and T are a very fun couple and I like them a lot. They don't call themselves a couple tho, she says she doesn't do relationships. I've heard her refer to him as her fuck buddy/boy toy before, and I know they've been close like that for years and every time I see her, he's there, following her around. Actually he was doing that for years before I even noticed him there. Marcus mentioned him as her bf one day and I was like "who? she doesn't have a bf." And he said, he's always with her, right behind her (like for years lol) and I was like wtf, how have I never met him, how do I not know him, that's so weird. He described him and I couldn't picture him. We found an actual picture of the four of us and even that wasn't much help lol. I guess he's pretty unassuming lol. Last night she said she's never been so satisfied fucking one person for so long, and a couple times she shouted out "I love you!" at him. They are full of smiles and kindness and love for me too. I think she said winning like 40x lol We were all very happy together. So, so fun.


hope springs eternal

Springtime = Change and Growth

Spring break is over and school is back in session but only online. Navigating the technology is difficult for a 7 year old, so now I'm basically a teacher's assistant Mon-Fri - albeit in my pajamas most of the time. I actually prefer this set up over regular school because we don't have to get up as early, get as put together, make lunch, out the door and drive somewhere first thing. We can just get up, set up and login. I've always liked school and her teacher is nice. So having them in my living room daily instead of being (mostly almost) alone is not much of an inconvenience. Really, it feels a lot like when I was a stay-at-home mom when my older kids were little and that is super nice! I'd been nostalgic for that since with Madeleine I've been working this whole time. So I like this a lot. And Maddy is learning better with my added help.

I got these two apps recently that are horoscopes and consistently accurate. The Pattern and Co-Star. They are SUPER creepy- accurate and precise. And they have timelines of what kind of phases you are in. It's been kind of soothing to me. I like to plan things so it's cool to have an idea of when something is gonna be over, what is expected to happen. And right now has been such a bizarre time in my life in way of changes. Things are SO DIFFERENT than they were 1.5 years ago. Some of what they said made me not worry about thinking so much about things like my living arrangements. Like I'm not following them as an absolute, but since the personal detail stuff was so accurate, I'm comfortable to play along and "have faith."

I think the good feeling I get from having a guide like that is like how I enjoy being submissive, when I can. Which is good for me but not for everyone haha. And like a dynamic, often you have to search to find a good one lol. Not all guides are legit.

One thing it got me moving on in particular, is something that I'd been kicking around in my head for a bit now. I had an idea to do like a blog or Tik Tok or Only Fans or something (though the idea of having an only fans of my own makes me cringe) about My Submissive Journey. Cause it's new to me and I've learned so much and been having soo much fun. I wasn't sure what medium or how to begin writing it. Then I thought, it's more complicated that just that. A lot of the things that contribute to it are tied in with the rest of my life, it's more full than just a BDSM thing. IDK I think some people can turn it on and off and save it for the club type of thing. I tend to be a way because it's my honest self, and my time working towards something can also be working towards something else. Different areas of my life, maybe due to time constraints or my pursuit of efficiency, become interconnected. There are so many interesting things that led me to the beginning of that, happened around the same time, are continuing to happen. I decided to write it as a book, and then if the submissive-distinct part can stand out, if I can see how to separate that, fine, but as for now, I'm writing a novel. I've already begun and am doing it on here because livejournal automatically saves the draft as you write and sometimes my laptop just randomly shuts off. I can write a post, keep the tags the same, and keep it on private. It's progressing well and I'm really enjoying it. I think the 3rd chapter will be the submissive part. 3 Months of Submission or Submission. Maybe the former because it has a 3 in the title and it's the 3rd part so that's like a good luck thing right? I'm writing the second part now, which is about Amanda. I've always expected to be an author, which before led me to journalism but that didn't work out because of pragmatics. I have already written a children's book that I KNOW is good. Lately I've been increasingly disenchanted with my career. The Pattern app said this and I have to agree

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I changed my hair again. I got better extensions, ones that stay in for like 3 months, can't get just ripped out or moved around easily. I got sick of dying my hair pink so much, so I did them like a real red colour and it really suits me, I like it a lot and get a ton of compliments.

My friend Kimberly had an online fetish party that I looked all slutty for and had so much fun actually! I thought zoom parties would be lame but this one was so fun and I was just dancing alone in my living room. Marcus and Yassin both were sleeping. In a real life fetish party MAYBE I could wear that outfit but I would probably be freaking out internally. Exhibitionism is something I'm working on, something Amanda was going to mentor me in specifically. But for a zoom party it was easy cause I am super comfortable in my living room, and I can control how they all could see me and I could see it too the whole time. Some people I haven't seen in a while were there too, like this guy Uncle Steve I haven't seen forever. It was the same night as Pat's birthday, the night of the UFC fight. It was actually pretty nice, I would do it again.

So much has been going on, I've been trying to write this post for like a week lol. I was slightly bummed lately, about being ghosted, then stood up for a tinder date last Friday lol like wtf. But only slightly. Generally I'm happy cause I've been branching out so much and been having a lot of fun, in 2021 now have the freedom to really focus on my OWN interests. Like the title of the book I should probably still read, It's MY Life Now. My life is ahead of me, not behind me.

Also flowers are growing, gardening season yay!

Be A Doll

Do I have a doll mode?

Master has been busy lately - he's a very important man -

and I felt so like starved for attention cause we used to text a lot and this has been a long wait between dates unfortunately. And I felt like, my <3 on shelf so we talked about it and everything is actually fine, im just a bit embarrassed for weakness/ being emotional.

But the way he answered me about like mentioning taking out a toy to play - i hadn't thought of being on a shelf in that way. like literally like a doll. I think i like this. Like that could be fun. But I don't know how that fits in to a Master/sub dynamic, to have a real Master /sub bond - a loving, close, deep one. Which is what i would prefer. And what it has been, I like it very much so far. If i am a doll on a shelf for an extended period of time i think the Maser/sub thing would deteriorate. Like i could still go through motions of that, but it would be fake and so, not deep, not as enjoyable, would not have the trust i think required for safety and to produce pure, good moments like we have caught on film. The video that I showed Yassin, was so good because I trusted my Dom. Exhibitionism is a struggle for me usually. But my Dom put me at ease so much to trust him, i did fully give myself over, trusting him in that moment and it made the video super beautiful. I think that's why.

So idk what level of involvement i have to have in order to feel that close to someone and believe them and to do those roles properly. To have like a pure, revered thing. He said genuine respect/admiration for your Dom is important for this dynamic or it makes it better. A certain level of attention to me is needed to establish that, to keep it going. go thru life together - like as travelers, not one. Friends. A Master is supposed to be a Keeper. Like it's a program, always there running in the background, the hold on me.

But I do like the idea of a doll in a box, being a Doll, like a doll, in a box on a shelf, as far as putting that distance between us for him to live life the way he wants it. for his life balance/what he thinks is best. Like it's kindof hot. THat im a doll. His little 3 hole fuck toy ^.^

so maybe.. Doll Mode?
How long does Doll Mode last?

I feel like a good starting point would be, if He doesn't want to talk to me for 2 days, knows He is busy, not come to him with anything, wants to put me on a shelf, He should tell me to Be a Doll and go on my shelf, (His shelf?). And I will know that for 2 days don't expect any interaction and i do not speak unless spoken to. But on the third day, for now, He has to message me or i can message him. I would prefer if He would do it tho, tbh, i think maybe that is important.

And i will have things to work on and other things im already doing, during those times. to run the program

I think i like that. If He wants strictly to not be bothered, to tell me to be a doll. And it has a time limit. If not, if He's not so bothered, doesn't mind if i message Him randomly, then He can just do whatever and i should just be more doll-like just because. Because it's fun and it works better. I said on tinder i don't want anything serious and this is SO SERIOUS. but i think, as He would say, 'it comes with the territory." When i joined tinder i thought i would like to pursue bdsm stuff, i mainly had in mind being restrained and like tortured or something, and that i think, yeah can leave it at the club type thing. Having a Master is like extreme and TBH I LOVE IT. so it's been a happy surprise. But it is definitely more "serious" than anything i had been expecting. At all. But it's very interesting and fun. I am curious about being a doll now, whether that's officially Doll Mode doll or more of like a quality that should become a part of my demeanor.

Love is a Verb

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My Master has turned me into a Sex Crazed Maniac (this is my band name now, no stealing, guys). I don't think he even tried that hard, he's just amazing! So now I'm purposely doing things to not be a Maniac. Cause I can't just go thru life being a Sex Maniac. But a happy, pleased, owned slut?? Yes Please. I am.

A lot of things have been happening that feel like 'everything is coming together.' Like the universe is rewarding me or something. It's strange. Like maybe the law of attraction is like a good thing now. Or it's working a lot more for me now. I hope it continues.


A sparkly summer afternoon, perfection for a backyard BBQ/pool party. Along with BBQ staples of potato salad and charred meats, you get fun and lasting memories, and a wide array of beach fashion.

You can tell a lot (or a little) about a person by their swimsuit. Are they funny? Traditional? Self-conscious? Super Confident? Relaxed? Hiding something? Religious? Beautiful? Have bad taste? You can also have a scientific discovery and feel very pleased with yourself, while observing. You're a genius perhaps, or maybe years later, you will laugh and laugh and laugh.

One swimsuit always made us laugh: the Speedo. From early on (I am five in this story), I remember whenever we saw one, my peers and I would be giggling to see a fully grown man in what looked like brightly coloured, tight, tiny underwear. Our dads would never! Average men with their dad bods and varying degrees of baldness, they were all in regular swim trunks (still rather small by today's standards, but more resembled boxer shorts or regular shorts). The Speedo maybe looked even more like ladies underwear because it was completely smooth with no bizarre pocket/lines on front. And they were rare. A silly, saucy surprise.

At this BBQ, the one who wore the Speedo was Robbie's brother Mike. Mike was way older. My brother was 5 years older than me, so was Robbie, and Mike was always a grown up - 20 or older, though in this story I guess it is possible he may have been in his late teens.

I remember sitting on my mom's lap at the table she was at, and she encouraged me to run around with the other kids, get food, have fun. I jumped down and did so. At one point, I was standing on the deck with a few adults, being short, feeling the way kids often do around adults: irrelevant. Which was fine, I was used to that, it wasn't a bad thing. When I looked to my side I got a shock.

Directly in my eye line and rather close to my face, was Mike's red speedo. I was short and he was tall. I had never had anyone's crotch that close to my face and certainly not one so exposed and yet dressed up at the same time. I took a small step back so I could look up and see who was up there. It was Mike, OK cool. Back to his junk. I'd always wondered how guys could fit their wiener into a tiny, little triangle that size. From the way it was described, I thought: that wouldn't fit, it must be bendy or something? I was likely explained male parts as like a hot dog and hearing it called a wiener - among other things - and having caught glimpses of my brother, had that in mind. Apparently, taking a description that literally did not apply to men's balls. When I looked at Mike before me, I was confused. I couldn't see some hotdog shape, bent and somehow stuffed into the spandex, ready to pop out at me with the slightest bump like a jack-in-the-box. What I saw was very lumpy and not what I expected and made no sense. I couldn't see a wiener at all. And knowing the nature of the material, I was even more astounded that seeing clearly what the heck was going on in there was so confusing and difficult. Of course at that age I didn't know about growth-inducing boners and the shapeshifting nature of the penis. I didn't even know balls were a thing, apparently.

Then I became exhilarated, I figured it out! The happiness and excitement I felt as I ran over to share with my lovely mother, the answer to the secret I solved, is what I imagine any scientist feels when making a discovery, or learning something cool. Whether by directive or happenstance, the scientific method yields fun, little (sometimes big) thrills. I still love science.

"Mom!" I said as I ran up and put my hands on her knees, leaning in. "I figured out how boys fit their wiener into that little, tiny bathing suit!"

"How?" she asked.

"They tie it in a knot!"

I ran off, happy.

It was years before I knew what really was going on inside the Speedo. Now when I see them I'm still giggling (on the inside), but because kids are funny, not because the suit is funny. I wish more men would wear them tbh. But I also wish that when they do, they pay more attention to where their junk is in relation to short ppl's faces. Not everyone looks as good as Mike.

Sarah McLachlan

I've been on a kick lately. I bought the Mirrorball CD at a thrift shop last year. Ice Cream always reminds me of Windsor. Cause I never hear it on the radio out here. They play barely any of her compared to Windsor/Detroit really. Out there this specific performance would get played a lot, and many of her other songs too. Ten years ago anyway. I've been listening to it a lot lately.

So the other day I was laying in bed with my gf Paige, we were watching Van Halen videos. She thought it was funny that I used to watch the DVD while jumping rope first thing in the morning (I had a crush on David Lee Roth), that I used to jump rope to "Jump." But that tends to happen to me a bit. Like I;ll be jogging outside and Roadrunner by the Sex Pistols comes on and I'm like Yes, this is the song I listen to as I run down the road. It's so appropriate.
Cut to today and I'm practising my splits in front of the mirror in my bedroom. I only did a warm up before, not a full workout. I'm thinking to do this everyday, 2x a day even to get faster results. Cause I'm not all the way down yet, haven't been for at least 13 years. So I'm listening to Ice Cream, waiting, sitting into the pain, pushing it further, enjoying it, thinking about how good it will feel to get to the floor and Sarah starts singing "it's a long waaaay down. It's a looong waaaay down. It's a looong waaaay down to..." the floor when you can't do the splits lol- I laughed so much.

It was a nice morning. I started my day slowly, laying in bed awake, trying to sleep but with not much success, after an early trip to the train station. I would normally sleep longer so I thought, it's ok, it's good to take my time. Just be lazy in bed all cozy, naked in soft blankets, listening to Sarah McLachlan. And listening to this

I started feeling like when I was 12, living with my family, going to gymnastics, remembering the smell: chalk, sweat, young skin. I felt that safeness - for me anyway at that age, I knew what my future looked like. My life was predictable and easygoing. I wanted to stretch.
And my room is getting pretty comfortable and nice, and I felt comfortable and nice in my blankets and naked with the music. So I thought, I could stretch here, in bed, in my room. I've been organizing, decorating my room a lot lately. Getting it just how I like it. It's filled with beautiful things. I go here to plan and please and prepare and regenerate.

This ^ song reminds me of Rebecca. Because I sent the official video to her before because she looks just like her. And it's such a good message, for us both. We are very similar, I think. I love to sing along with it.

And now the one I probably like most. It's not on Mirrorball. I used to get it confused a bit with Possession, they have a similar sound/ feel. And as much as I'm impressed by the story behind (Rolling Stone) Possession and the note it ends on, I do like Silence more.

Ok idk idk maybe i like Ice Cream the best ^.^